Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
