and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
