why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
