Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I faked an abortion last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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