someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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