its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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