we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
