If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
