Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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