you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
