is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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