i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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