barbara walters just said penis...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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