If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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