I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
