The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
