shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
