So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
