Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
