you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
