its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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