Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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