Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
