I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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