I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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