I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
