it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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