Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
