I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize