what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
