just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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