Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
