if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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