if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Are we still banned from the library?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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