eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
