I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
