So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
