Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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