just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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