I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize