I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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