my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
