I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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