so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
