I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
