i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
