My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
