I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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