Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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