I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
