I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
