Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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