no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
