She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
