There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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