the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
