good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
