There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
