he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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