Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize