life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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