Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
