Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
